As a parent one of our greatest responsibilities is to be a role model for our children. They look to us to guide them in their feelings, their relationships with others and their behaviour. We’re encouraged to model how to take turns, to share, to lose and to apologise. We’re encouraged to demonstrate healthy eating, physical exercise, table manners and safe driving. We’re told it’s okay for children to sometimes see us sad or worried, so they can learn how to handle big feelings. The list of examples could go on. And today this list needs to include modelling a healthy use of technology. We need to support their digital wellbeing alongside their physical and mental health.
As conversations continue on the impact of smartphones on our children’s mental health, and governments, tech companies and schools debate who should take responsibility for regulation and guidance, many parents I speak to are asking, “What can we do today to support our children’s relationship with and use of technology?” One action could be to model healthier relationships with our own smartphones. Easier said than done.
Like many parents I use my smartphone all day, every day. It’s been designed to become an integral part of my everyday life, and I am just as susceptible to its persuasive design technology as our children are. It keeps me coming back for more. However, over the last few months I’ve asked myself, “Am I happy with my smartphone usage? Is it working for me or against me? Does it enable me to prioritise the family values I believe in?” In short, the answer is no.
So, I am trying out ways to reduce my reliance on my smartphone and break the habits that negatively affect my digital wellbeing. I’m hoping that this in turn lets me become a better guide for my own children. I still use my smartphone more than I would like to, but here are some things that I’ve noticed make a positive difference:
Wear a watch. Not necessarily a smartwatch! Just something that will allow you to know the time without reaching for your phone. Invest in some wall clocks for the main areas of your home – one in the upstairs hallway has been a game changer for morning routines!
Buy a bedside alarm clock (and search around until you find the functionality you need – mine doesn’t light up at all unless I hit it!). Others recommend no phones upstairs, but even just charging it on the other side of the room has improved my sleep and wellbeing each morning.
Pick a spot in the main living area for a mobile phone box, basket, tray or bowl – it can be anything – and get in the habit of putting your phone in there as soon as you enter that space. Imagine it’s been docked like a landline phone. You may need to use it, but let it be a conscious decision to pick it up, rather than an unconscious habit. Encourage other smartphone users in your household, and even visitors, to do the same.
Talk to your children about why you are on your phone and encourage them to ask you what you are doing on it. This will hold you accountable for using it when with them. You won’t feel so bad telling them that you’re booking them into football club for next term or adding something they have asked for to your supermarket order. But it will probably stop you from refreshing emails or scrolling through social media. It might also encourage you to use your smartphone with them – enjoy a video together, play a game or look up something of interest.
Turn off all notifications unless they are from a real person contacting you in real time. You likely don’t NEED that news alert or to be informed that your little one has just had a nappy changed at nursery.
Discover ‘Focus Modes’ and set them up to align with your day. The simplest way would be to automate one focus for family time (where all work apps are silenced) and another for work hours (so only work apps have alerts). This puts you immediately back in control of when you are disturbed. You can still ensure that important calls from nursery, school or family members always come through!
Agree with any other smartphones users in your home that when with children only one of you can use your phone at a time. And call each other out on this one!
Create some phone-free zones – these might be spaces or times of day when you don’t use your phone at all. Here are some examples – at pick-up time (those first 5 minutes of face-to-face reconnection with your children are invaluable), at mealtimes and bath/bedtime.
If you’re someone who spends longer on certain apps than you would like, then set up some daily time limits or find the setting that will automatically suggest you take a break after 30 minutes. These aren’t there just as parent controls for children. Use them to your own wellbeing advantage.
Adjust your screen. Try grey scale – I’ll be honest, this one didn’t work for me as soon as I wanted to look at a photograph – but some have found this to significantly reduce their screen time. Simplify your home page, moving any apps that distract you to the second page (or delete them entirely!).
If you have younger children, improving your digital wellbeing now and reducing the time on your smartphone will not only give them more of your uninterrupted attention but you will be setting the norm for how smartphones will be used in your home. This will make it easier for you to set boundaries when they are old enough to have their own smartphone.
If you have older children who already have a smartphone, consider making these changes together as a family. There are some great family tech planners and contracts available to support these conversations, such as those freely available from Papaya Parents or Common Sense Media. Get them involved in decisions and create a new norm.
Most importantly, don’t be too harsh on yourself. We didn’t grow up with our own role models for digital wellbeing, so we need to learn together with our children. Pick one thing to try at a time and aim for doing it most of the time. Remember, our smartphones should be working for us, not against us.
Let me know how it goes!